“When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others.” ~ Peace Pilgrim.

Salam..

My heart feels heavy, and my mind weighs on me. Sometimes, the decisions you make, would not only affect you, but also the people around you.

I'm sorry if what I did does not sit right with you, though a civilized request for explanation would have a better substitute than treating me like I've done something wrong.

Guess what, you did it; you win.

I really do't know what I did wrong, and I've exhausted myself trying to find my fault, over and over again, until in the end, I'll just blame myself (again) for everything that has happened.

For what it's worth, thank you for making me the person I am.

*sigh*

The One That Shines, The One That Flops. =p

Salam..

It's been a while isn't it? Well, these few weeks have been everything but boring. Going for courses, conferences, balik kampung, having fun, watching movies etc etc.. I know I have promised a post on Design of Experiments, and believe me, it's coming soon (at least, as soon as I finished it.. lol). But right now, let's move on to another thing entirely,

Movies!

Seems like forever since I've last reviewed movies, so I want to revisit the process.. Lol.. Although the summer flicks have already ended (as we can see from the lack of noisy, big-budgeted, adventure, horror and rom-com movies) there are still a few good ones out there.. Here's some of the best, and the worse of what I've seen in the past month :

My Favourite Pick : RED

It's funny, it's action-packed, nuff said. It's a spy movie the way I like it, with the spy being intelligent and kicks ###, not just being muscular (read : ketul-ketul) and shoot now, ask later type. And the fact that the premise relies on a bunch of 60 - 80 somethings with the exception of 2 main characters just make it greater still. The poster said it all, they 'still got it'.

Go see it if you haven't already. I myself have watched it twice. lol

The One That Is Bizarrely Funny : Adele

This one is rather picky, you either like it, or hate it. I think that the story itself is oh-kay, despite the fact that you really have to watch it with an open mind (because the story do not translate into reality or being believable and that is exactly the direction it's going). Adding to that, it is dubbed in English (I believe the original language is French) and hearing the words not matching the mouth is sometimes distracting, but its funny enough. I rather like the first mummy which Adele believes to be the Doctor, but is actually a nuclear physicist (does that even exist during the Egyptian times??) and the haggard-looking professor which conveys delight over resurrecting the pterodectyl all the time with only the twinkle in his eyes and ever-smiling face. All in all, bizarre, yes, but acceptably funny.

The One That Has Promise : Altitude

The premise is rather simple where 2 of the main characters (there's 5 of them), shadowed by their pasts (which of course is revealed to be inexplicably connected), encountered strange occurrences during their flight, finally resulting in the death of the other 3, and finally the remaining 2 yet the latter's deaths brings forth hope for a new future involving those 2 main characters (yep, you have to suspend your disbelieve and you'll be just fine). It's not scary, I can promise you that, but it's suspenseful. Watch it if you want, but don't be dissappointed if you don't like the end product. Secretly, I do. lol.

The One That Dissappoints : The Other Guys

I expected this one to be insanely funny, but other than a few laughs here and there, it falls kinda short on my expectations. From the glowing reviews, I thought that the funny scenes will be awesome but maybe that's the reason why some people advises against reading reviews before watching the movie. Haha. My bad.

My Worse Pick : Buried

To be fair, the movie itself is rather thought-provoking, that is if you can fathom watching the whole movie of a man buried inside a coffin underground with no ways to escape. But that is exactly my gripe with this, 90 minutes from start to finish, the only thing you'll see is Paul (Ryan Reynolds) writhing and groaning and talking on the phone and screaming and losing control inside the coffin, and nothing else. The whole movie depicts Ryan in the coffin, you won't see anything beyond that. Yes, the film itself raises some thought about the reality today of the bureaucracy of everything, the dispassionate people who acts as interface between you and the service you want or need or even the government, the use of mobiles as a form of connectivity; yup, it raises some thoughts, only that instead of thinking of that after the movie, you'll end up thinking of it (along dozens of other unrelated things) during the movie as it is so; boring. And the abrupt ending that was so talked-about, ends up being such a joy because finally the end is here and you can leave the cinema hall. Oh bummer.

Oh well, right now I'm looking forward to some movies, the first in the list being Narnia : Voyage of the Dawn Treader (I just adore Lucy), Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part 1) and Tron Legacy. Hopefully they don't disappoint.

Till then, have a great day ahead.

And thanks for reading! =)

Design of Experiments and Design Expert

What it is all about.. ;-)

Salam..

I went to FST (Faculty of Science and Technology) today for a short course on design of experiments. Well, mainly it focuses on the usage of Design Expert software for designing our experiment according to the specific objectives that we wish to obtain.

It is very informative, especially since I sincerely think that design is first and foremost when doing experiments, and unfortunately as someone from an engineering background, I don't think that I'm fully trained on the experimental design side of experiments. Sometimes when my dad ask me questions about my research methodology, I'm quite stumped to answer the theoretical part (he always asks me about t-test, post test, and such).

"Engineers use the theories, scientists develop it" is basically what I've been taught. So sometimes it is quite hard to imagine the importance of it, which is why some exposure to this part of research methodology is very important.

Oh well, have to get back to the course. Will update on more of the importance later!

The software! =)

Thanks for reading.

And sorry if the subject bores you to death.. Hehe.. Sometimes I just open Blogger and write, and this is the result! Lol..

Me out~

When Life Give You Lemons...

Salam..

I have always had some trouble expressing myself to other people when I'm sad.. Someone once said that she thought I was angry (because I kept quiet the whole time) when the truth is, I was feeling out of it. Maybe I need a shrink?

Ha-ha..

Nahh, I don't think so, at least not at the moment. Seems like bottling it all inside and let loose once in a while by bawling my eyes out crying is the best medicine for me because I felt calmer and less sad (and more melancholic) and I can keep on functioning like nothing is wrong. That, I think, is more important than dwelling on things that I cannot change without risking things that I don't feel like risking.

=)

Enough with those Kleenex-moment stuffs. Right now I'm preparing for my presentation this evening. Its a proposal presentation, and I've already did the best I could with the slides, so hopefully everything will go as planned.

Wish me luck!

Courtesy of www.phdcomics.com

And thanks for reading.. =)

ps : Just hope that I won't end up like Cecilia here.. lol

Wishes

Salam..

My latest addition to my poems. Have been neglecting those for a while, haven't I? Well, here's something that I've written..

_ . : Wishes : . _

i wish i could go

so far, far, far and away

where the sun is always shining

and the flowers are blooming

where it rains when it gets too hot

and shines like the Northern star

the trees and the wind, hugging me

when my thoughts turn too dark

i wish i could fly

be free like the birds

laughing through the skies

spreading my wings wide

forgetting all the things

that makes my eyes blur

feeling so helpless

and shaking uncontrollably

i wish to forget

i wish to forgive

i wish to be better

a better person than i am yesterday

i wish to be strong

i wish to be good enough

to accept things as they are

to never blame, and never judge

even though sometimes i wanna cry

and cry i did

it helps to know

that i will give my all

to see another day go by

and maybe, just maybe

the birds will fly again

and I will be

free.

_ . : end : . _

"Hope is the feeling we have that the feeling we have is not permanent." ~ Mignon McLaughlin

Salam..

Just stopped by to share this music video.. It's not a new song, but it's my new discovery.. Loved the lyrics. It summed up what I felt sometimes (usually when I'm not feelin' so good..)

Enjoy!

ps : Live after Hari Raya (though the Raya month is by no means finished) is quite lethargic.. Really needed to get into full gear for my research. But lately, I'm stuck doing things I did not think is #1 in my list to do, but had to do it anyway because anothers' expectations that what I'm doing should be #1 in my list of things to do.

Confused? Don't be.. It's just me, being intentionally samar-samar for the sake of sharing without revealing too much. But, thanks for reading anyway, and understanding..

We'll Be A Dream..

Salam..

Sometimes it is hard to just wait for something to happen. But the thing is, when you're trying your best to just 'be' there for them, you tend to over-accommodate them even though it's not naturally 'you'.

*sigh*

Why is it *that* hard to decide and put my overactive imagination to rest??

Oh well, with that being said, I just want to share something I'm currently obsessed on :

We'll Be A Dream

by We The Kings ft. Demi Lovato

Oh-kay, enjoy the song! And thanks for still being here, reading these, after all these years..
=)

New Changes

Salam..

After more than a month without any updates, I'm back.. It's not from a lack of trying though; a lot of times I wanted to write, and managed a few paragraphs then deleted it again. Sometimes the things felt too strange to be shared with the world wide web and the other times it felt too private.

Oh well, what is the use crying over spilt milk eyh? What is done, is done. So now, lets just move on to other things.

Now, notice the new design? Haha.. After so long of not opening Blogger, imagine my surprise when the new and improved templates with no-hassle design preferences is advertised. I loved it! After playing with different templates, changing the background and small details, thins is what I come up with. Like it?

Now, do check out the design templates (for those who use Blogspot of course), it's so easy to use.

Till next time, thanks for reading.. =)

Music & Lyrics - It's The Feeling that Make It

Ke Mana Ku Bawa Diri

By : Noor Kumalasari

Ke manakah kan ku bawa hati yang rindu
Hilang sudah tiada lagi tempat mengadu
Rasa hati sunyi sepi sedih memilu
Mungkin hanya awan mendung yang berlalu

Ke manakah haluannya ku bawa diri
Mengapakah suasana hening menyepi
Tiada kata berirama yang mesra lagi
Entah bila pula suria menyinari

Oh Tuhan tunjukkan berilah harapan
Pada-Mu aku serahkan
Semoga cahaya bersinar kembali
Penuh erti hidup ini

Apa daya aku hanya insan biasa
Doa restu kupohonkan pada Yang Esa
Penuh rasa menantikan harapan tiba
Bahagia mungkin akan jadi nyata

ps : Lagu evergreen, tapi sangat terkesan pada saya. Hanya pada Tuhan diri ini berserah. Yang lain, terpulanglah. =) Wassalam.

"The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart." ~Elisabeth Foley

Salam..

After my last post (with attempt to start writing poem again), I noticed that my friends were concerned due to the dark themes that I diverge into. And I really appreciate their concern even though sometimes I respond evasively. The truth is, I am not ready to share it yet. And it's not because I lack trust in them or something along that line, but its more towards the fact that I'm just not ready. And this might stem from the fact that I've always depended only on myself, being the only child, so I tend to keep it all in. And sometimes I really fear the thought of being alone, so much, that I'd rather put on a smiley face than share the burden with those around me. In my head, I want to be happy when I'm with them, rather than feeling sad and teary-eyed because of things that are out of my control.

I'm really sorry; I really am. I'm trying to change, opening my heart bit by bit to try and let people in. But please give me time. In the future, who knows?

=)

Friends to me, is something very precious, especially those true, sincere friends. I've had a lot of acquaintances, true, but friends that truly care for you is hard to find. I still remember back then, its so hard for me to connect with people my age. My best friend when I was still in BTR was 1 year older than me (so you can imagine how hard it is to hang out together when you are 9 or 10 years old. The only time we had was during band practice and recess time). Then, I had a love-hate relationship with my rival in Standard 3; we were close like sisters but fought like cats in academics. Then, when I had to move after Standard 4, my life was suddenly so different because I had to meet an array of new people at a new school. There was no one that I knew, and no music classes to fall into, and my new classmates were so used to each other that I felt like an outsider right from the start.

The truth is, that is what all new students felt like, don't you agree? But back then, its like a big challenge and I keep asking myself, what can I do? And what I did was retreat back to what I know best; read. I haunted the library every free time I had; and by the time semester 1 ends, I had borrowed almost all the books I deem interesting to read. And the librarian was so used to me that I became the informal assistant for students who wants to borrow books. And it was through this ordeal that I began to make friends who also love reading as I made it easier for them to hang out in the library. And slowly I began to make peace with my classmates and slowly integrate into their close knit groups. The truth is, even back then, I learn to stick by my friends. I still remember one time when a classmate declared war on one of my friends (one word : puppy love), we all stick together and defend her. And when you had people who supports you, life seems so easy and you assured yourself that you can go through everything. Even now, I felt that it is true because when problems start piling in and it feels like the world is crashing down, sometimes to solve it we have to stand back and just take a breather. Think about everyone that still supports you, and know that these people will continue to do so even when you fall. Have faith in that, and then start to see the problem with a fresh mind. From my previous experiences, this helps me to focus on the most important thing, and keep the distractions at bay.

Back to the story, when I started secondary education, with new surroundings, things were better because almost half of the class is my friends from primary school. And some new faces were not *that* new because we go to the same sekolah agama. So fitting in were not quite as difficult as it was before. And because our class is the experimental class (we were the first batch in the school to learn Arabic for PMR, thus the appropriately named 1 Agama), our classes were a teensy-beetsy different than others, and this makes us quite close to each other (more so because as it was, our batch was the only one to make it to 3 Agama thus stamping our domination on the 3A initials). And in this regard, I truly admire the boys of 3A because they still retain that closeness until this very day.. And it was during this 3 years that I began to see why at that age, friends were extremely important. The things we do, the things we say and the way we act, all were in one way or another, being influenced by the people around us. But its suffice to say that during those time, I am truly lucky to be with those whom I could connect with. And the memories of things we all did were imprinted in my mind, along with secrets crushes and codenames that we used. I remember being crazy over Dicky Cheung (of the Journey to the West fame) with Iena, of sawi's and kangkung's with Dilla, of super spy (I wish) secrecy of ADK's drug prevention with Shamina, of canteen day with our classmates, playing at the lake with the Gang, Pasir Salak trip, and lots more. It never fail to put a smile on my face. =)

The once boys and girls of 3A (well, partially),
now grown-ups at Akid's wedding.

Well, still lot more things to say. So, this concludes the first part of this post.. Stay tuned for the next one! =)

ps : Next one will dwell on Semashur & KMM.. And the last part will be on UKM.. =))

The Things We Make Believe

Salam..

Just a new poem from me.. Written during one of my 'down' moments. Sorry for the dark theme. Never intended it to be, just that is what flows from the dark crevice that science call our mind. Read at your own expense.

Things We Make Believe

. . o . .

i keep on trying
striving so hard
to keep it from falling
like teardrops from the sky

i wanted to understand
and sometimes its easy
but its difficult to accept
and more so to comply

seeing the lively people around
flying, dancing gracefully about
i try to reach out a hand
but butterflies never last long

i tried to pretend
and it felt so good
but it was not the same thing
as it was still a lie

all the things that people see
all the great things that they hear
sometimes its so easy to forget
that not all is as good as it seems

no matter what it comes to
and where it finally leads me
it was sometimes better to know
that the elusive dream might never be

. . o . .

Thanks for reading.

“When it snows, you have two choices: shovel or make snow angels” ~ Anonymous

Salam..

These last few days has been such a roller-coaster ride; I can feel happy one moment and *blink* anxiety comes knocking.. Alhamdulillah, what I have been waiting for all these while has finally come. And at the same time, the existence of another offer pushes me to really think of what I truly want. So, right now I have a decision to make.

Why, oh why, do I only have such limited time?!!

PS : In an info-gathering mood (well, its more like a frenzy now..). My dear friends, thank you for your support all these while. =)

"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves." ~ Carl Jung

A friend said that I will get married after getting my PhD.

Hmm.. With the rate of the things going on right now, "Berjanggutlah korang nak tunggu yours truly kahwin.."

Haha..


ps : Pointless, really.. Just updating for the sake of it. =)

It's Asteroids, All Along..

Just yesterday, while watching National Geographic with my father about pterosaurs (the flying dinosour), we had a discussion about how dinosaurs were wiped out. And today, a consensus has been reached saying that asteroids is the cause. It is said that the asteroid crashed into Chicxulub in Mexico (this place is now actually a 180 km wide crater).

. : Picture taken from Wikipedia.org showing an impression of the impact : .

The impact is so tremendous that it is equal to the force of a billion atomic bombs that descended on Hiroshima, imagine that. Of course, this is a long time ago, and what we do have are speculations, but these are grounded in evidences found. Nevertheless, with that kind of impact, all living things in the vicinity would be destroyed in a blink of an eye, but how about those far away?

Well, after the explosion, the debris and ash would have filled the atmosphere therefore blocking the sunlight, leading to sudden climate change (no energy from the sun means its cold; winter), deaths of photosynthetic organisms (which is the main food for herbivores leading to their deaths and causing the predators to be wiped out due to the dwindling food supply). And, because dinosaurs were reptiles, which means that it is cold-blooded, they could not adapt to the cold surroundings as effectively as mammals. I remember reading that reptiles had to bask in the sun to regulate their body temperature (when the habitat they live in is cold), or employ other creative means to lower down the heat when its too hot. Of course this is just my speculation based on observations; have to read more about this later.. LoL..

Oh well, it is interesting to read about. Do come here if you want to read the gist of it. And its 1-0 for me.. Heehee..

Till next time!
=)

“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting, that is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - That is patience.” ~ Anonymous

Salam..

It is already March, and the third month of the year marks my fourth month of being unemployed. Oh well, when I put it that way, it does seems that bad right?

=)

After all, it seems like everyone is moving forward with their careers, some are getting married, and going to various wedding celebrations will of course guarantee a meeting with old friends. And one of the never-missed sure questions is, "Hey, so what are you doing now? You've graduated right?"

Yes, I've been a graduate since August 2009, which is 7 months ago. And since then, I've been working for 3 months and quit when the contract is over, while at the same time applying for various positions at various institutions, going for interviews and dreading the outcome every single time.

I applied for Khazanah Watan Scholarship which, for me, is the toughest yet (compared to Shell Scholarship Award) due to its stringent interviews, exams and such. Shortlisted for the 1st stage (which consist of IQ, personality and aptitude test), got through and went for the second stage (where interviews, Apprentice-like board meetings and tasks were given). Waited anxiously for the result and fortunately enough got through to the third stage (which is the final stage and my turn for the interview done by the senior management executive of Khazanah Nasional is interestingly enough done at 7.30 pm).

Went for interview at Universiti Malaya (where the only other candidate is a UK graduate with a sweet smile). Got an email from UiTM inviting me for interview which is complete with a mock teaching session and I chose a field which while I'm sure is becoming pretty important, is quite too specialized compared to conventional chemical engineering subjects.

Both now resides in the same category; my name is submitted and is waiting for the Registrar's approval. And subconsciously I think the current economic condition is preventing the University(s) from hiring but I'm still hoping for the best..... And just a few days ago an email informing me of the outcome of Watan Scholarship finally arrives. Therefore I will be going for the briefing session which hopefully will give me some insight into the deal.

Had also went to some other interviews where one stands out due to the fact that I did not realize I'm being interviewed (and make quite a fool of myself by trying to lighten the mood up and failed miserably) as opposed to just chit-chatting about the topics involved. Being given an ultimatum by another possible-interviewer to come for the interview conducted on the same day with another interview (which I've already committed myself to) and eventually I had to let it go as it would be unethical for me to break my word.

Sometimes it's funny thinking back on all that has happened. But then, money is also a very big issue. The truth is, although I had my own savings, it's never been my habit to spend it because I know how hard it is when you live without a fall-back plan. Therefore, after buying a new laptop to replace my faulty Dell lappie (whose motherboard is toasted), I kinda felt some regrets because after repairing, the Dell machine is working just fine with a motherboard replacement (which costs me almost half 1k) and I hardly use the new one.. *sob* So now, I'm totally broke (and while I think it's an accomplishment to live on my last pay for 4 months when you factor in the fuel, maintenance and food its hardly a good thing walking around with barely RM100 in your bank).. Therefore, I'm thinking of looking for some temporary jobs such as being a RA for 2 or 3 months maybe? So, anyone got any info on this? Lol..

Will update later. Had to find some inspiration to write again. This post is just to let people know I'm alive, and no, I'm not becoming a recluse or something. Honestly I think that FB is being an unsurprising addiction and I think my pets are getting hungry; better go to Pet Society to feed 'em..

Lol.. =p

Adios~

New Year, New Resolution??

Salam..

Been a while.. How's 2010 so far? Great? O-kay? Same? Well, aside form the fact that I still sometimes wrote the date as '09, it's been quite uneventful. Boring stuffs aside, let's talk about resolution.

Well, actually I don't believe in New Year's resolution. Why must goals be set whenever another new year has dawned? Why not now? Next week? Next month? But I have to say, at least, I do support making resolutions, because it means that you have a goal that you would work on to achieve. That way, you won't waste too much time on thinking, "Hey, what am I gonna do today eyh??" or "Hmm, today's chores is done.. Now what?"

It's nice to have something to look forward to because it makes all the work done to get to that point, so much more meaningful.

I am not a cynic, nor am I an true optimist. In life, you must always remember that it's not all beds of roses. Even though perhaps, luckily, your life until now, have been practically a walk in the park, it doesn't hurt to take precaution from now, right? Because we never know what the future brings.. Isn't it logical that we prepare for whatever's coming?

=)

Oh well, the motivation to write this is that I'm tired of people thinking of a certain way about me. This is not about vanity, it's just plain facts. I did not like it when people think my life is so easy, that when I say I've got a problem, they would just brush it off thinking that it couldn't be much worse that what they've gone through.

Sometimes I focus on the trivial things, because I don't want to think on the heavy stuffs. I don't like it because it turns me into someone I did not like; moody, depressed, angry. I'd rather like to be someone who goes on everyday expecting some kind of an adventure would spring to life before me, some mysteries dying to be solved and laugh at the kaleidoscope of life in front of me.

The point is, never ever expect a life free of tangles of problems. It will not be so easy, and the stronger and better-prepared you are, the better. Money-wise, do have a savings plan. Just saving 10% of your monthly income would come a long way in insuring your future. Relationship-wise, never expect that things would be the same months or 10 years ahead. People change, some better, some not so much. Have faith in your other half, but never stop at working at it. Family-wise, as you've known those lovely people all your life, make room for mistakes, accept the imperfections, revel in the familiarity of it and treasure the time you have together. Career-wise, work hard, and please try to stay away from taking extra benefits while at it. It's running rampant nowadays, so much that it's a general knowledge and the ones who disapproves is the one shunned.

Live life, and live in the moment. And when troubles comes knocking on your door, square your shoulders and plough on. The world is not a nice place, but when you find those treasured people, keep them close, because they are hard to find and even harder to replace.

Good luck to all!