Salam..
After my last post (with attempt to start writing poem again), I noticed that my friends were concerned due to the dark themes that I diverge into. And I really appreciate their concern even though sometimes I respond evasively. The truth is, I am not ready to share it yet. And it's not because I lack trust in them or something along that line, but its more towards the fact that I'm just not ready. And this might stem from the fact that I've always depended only on myself, being the only child, so I tend to keep it all in. And sometimes I really fear the thought of being alone, so much, that I'd rather put on a smiley face than share the burden with those around me. In my head, I want to be happy when I'm with them, rather than feeling sad and teary-eyed because of things that are out of my control.
I'm really sorry; I really am. I'm trying to change, opening my heart bit by bit to try and let people in. But please give me time. In the future, who knows?
=)
Friends to me, is something very precious, especially those true, sincere friends. I've had a lot of acquaintances, true, but friends that truly care for you is hard to find. I still remember back then, its so hard for me to connect with people my age. My best friend when I was still in BTR was 1 year older than me (so you can imagine how hard it is to hang out together when you are 9 or 10 years old. The only time we had was during band practice and recess time). Then, I had a love-hate relationship with my rival in Standard 3; we were close like sisters but fought like cats in academics. Then, when I had to move after Standard 4, my life was suddenly so different because I had to meet an array of new people at a new school. There was no one that I knew, and no music classes to fall into, and my new classmates were so used to each other that I felt like an outsider right from the start.
The truth is, that is what all new students felt like, don't you agree? But back then, its like a big challenge and I keep asking myself, what can I do? And what I did was retreat back to what I know best; read. I haunted the library every free time I had; and by the time semester 1 ends, I had borrowed almost all the books I deem interesting to read. And the librarian was so used to me that I became the informal assistant for students who wants to borrow books. And it was through this ordeal that I began to make friends who also love reading as I made it easier for them to hang out in the library. And slowly I began to make peace with my classmates and slowly integrate into their close knit groups. The truth is, even back then, I learn to stick by my friends. I still remember one time when a classmate declared war on one of my friends (one word : puppy love), we all stick together and defend her. And when you had people who supports you, life seems so easy and you assured yourself that you can go through everything. Even now, I felt that it is true because when problems start piling in and it feels like the world is crashing down, sometimes to solve it we have to stand back and just take a breather. Think about everyone that still supports you, and know that these people will continue to do so even when you fall. Have faith in that, and then start to see the problem with a fresh mind. From my previous experiences, this helps me to focus on the most important thing, and keep the distractions at bay.
Back to the story, when I started secondary education, with new surroundings, things were better because almost half of the class is my friends from primary school. And some new faces were not *that* new because we go to the same
sekolah agama. So fitting in were not quite as difficult as it was before. And because our class is the experimental class (we were the first batch in the school to learn Arabic for PMR, thus the appropriately named 1 Agama), our classes were a teensy-beetsy different than others, and this makes us quite close to each other (more so because as it was, our batch was the only one to make it to 3 Agama thus stamping our domination on the 3A initials). And in this regard, I truly admire the boys of 3A because they still retain that closeness until this very day.. And it was during this 3 years that I began to see why at that age, friends were extremely important. The things we do, the things we say and the way we act, all were in one way or another, being influenced by the people around us. But its suffice to say that during those time, I am truly lucky to be with those whom I could connect with. And the memories of things we all did were imprinted in my mind, along with secrets crushes and codenames that we used. I remember being crazy over Dicky Cheung (of the Journey to the West fame) with Iena, of
sawi's and
kangkung's with Dilla, of super spy (I wish) secrecy of ADK's drug prevention with Shamina, of canteen day with our classmates, playing at the lake with the Gang, Pasir Salak trip, and lots more. It never fail to put a smile on my face. =)
The once boys and girls of 3A (well, partially),
now grown-ups at Akid's wedding.Well, still lot more things to say. So, this concludes the first part of this post.. Stay tuned for the next one! =)
ps : Next one will dwell on Semashur & KMM.. And the last part will be on UKM.. =))
